NO Collective

BBC 2 - The Culture Show

Episode 4  - 15 March 2013  

The Cultural Wasteland Of

London

 

AIRED AT LUPA 17

 

 

 

Section 1: Welcome Live Audience

 

Hello, and welcome, to what is this week a very sombre ‘Culture Show’

You join us here LIVE from a small garage in Bethnal Green in the midst of what can only be described as a ‘man hunt’

Normal, everyday, people surround us trying to locate a missing entity that has left a small town decrepit and frail. The question remains - how something like this could have happened to start with?

- I pass you over to my colleague who has just received this police statement -

 

Section 2: Police Statement

 

Young, alone and new about town, the culture in question was last seen late on the Saturday night of 16th February 2013.

The last time anyone saw her was when she was spotted by a passer-by stumbling barefoot out of the back of the ‘Brewery Entertainment Centre’ onto platform 1 of the local train station.

There, we believe she was approached and dragged onto the 21:59 headed into East London.

We believe she was apprehended by 3 men seen earlier hanging around the Brewery centre and then later caught on CCTV at the station. The three men are tall, lean, not largely built, bearded and we believe to be short - sighted. It was also observed that 2 of the men were without belts, causing a degree of trouser slumpage.

This unfortunate case, is too similar the story of what many of our outer boroughs are witnessing across London.

People are now describing Romford in Essex, as the Cultural Wasteland of London.

 

Section 3:Assessment of where culture could have fled to

 

Now, there are many places we believe this culture may be now, of course there is the obvious, and as the raging public believe- Shoreditch, Bethnal Green, areas

Recent sightings of culture have even led us just south of Hoxton Overground Train station, to an office based in a community college. However, on further investigation officers found traces of what could only be described as THE URBAN CLICHÉ.

On the map, you can see that there is a high level of culture trafficking in these parts and this is twinned with a very un-shamed market of consumers,  wanting to buy- up this culture as soon as available.

However after speaking to experts in the field of reviving culture, we are led to believe there could be some other explanations.

The Mayfair area, for example.  A vicious, almost underground market where consumers are more rife than anywhere else in the city.

Up until now it was believed that although this market was perceptible and full with international traffic - Mayfair only really harboured a certain ‘niche’ genre for it’s clients, however, since the financial downfall and its knock on effect to consumerism, it appears that Mayfair may have become culturally loose – taking traffic from wherever it can get it.

We spoke to the Secretary and Chief Executive of the Royal Academy of the Arts, London, Mayfair - Dr Charles Saumarez Smith CBE. He refused to comment on the subject.

Other places where this sad story seems only the everyday include places such as Clapham Common in the South and Stoke Newington in the North. After seemingly looking their culture a good decade or so ago are still yet to discover it’s whereabouts.

Investigations outside of Zone 6 have remained inconclusive.

 

Section 4: Highlighting the evidence

 

Found on the scene of the disappearance of culture, these items, were believed to be  evidence of culture:

 

 

Copyright, all rights reserved 2012                                  

Item 1 – DVD –(description: recording of television programme60 minute make over, pre-made at ‘The Outback Art House’ Romford, contains footage of an exhibition being curated and presenters, seemingly Miss Kirsty Alsop and Christian Digby – however, further investigation shows that it was not possible for these two TV hosts to have been at the scene at this time. Ms Alsop was at a craft fayre in Leicester on this date and Mr Digby had passed away a while before the filming. It is possible however that the woman shown could have been Ms Alsop’s cousin)

Item 3.7 – Photograph- (description: a photographic image of a man and a woman, the woman appears to be in her late 30’s and the man, late teens – they are wearing peculiar clothes)

However despite numerous transcripts in writing and online, depicting these objects at culturally significant to the town of Romford, further tests have proved that they are not art.

Moving onto Item No 2 – A CD - (description: a musical disk containing the works of the music artist Jessie J -  depicting an image of the female on the front of the case)

Although containing only minimal traces of culture’s fingerprints, this item is the only piece of culture held in the town and the only proof that culture was there to begin with.

We have had great co-operation from the chief of the metropolitan police ‘Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe’ – however he has suggested in cases like this one, evidence is constantly being tampered with and we should not believe everything we hear.

 

Section 5: Reconstruction

 

We are now due to show you a reconstruction, however due to the technical difficulties of our current location; we are unable to show you the pre-filmed footage. So my colleague will proceed to demonstrate the series of events leading to the cultural disappearance.

Young, alone and new about town, the culture in question was last seen late on the Saturday night of 16th February 2013.

The last time anyone saw her was when she was spotted by a passer-by stumbling barefoot out of the back of the ‘Brewery Entertainment Centre’ onto platform 1 of the local train station.

There, we believe she was approached and dragged onto the 21:59 headed into East London.

We believe she was apprehended by 3 men seen earlier hanging around the Brewery centre and then later caught on CCTV at the station. The three men are tall, lean, not largely built, bearded and we believe to be short - sighted. It was also observed that 2 of the men were without belts, causing a degree of trouser slumpage.

Culture, on arrival in London, may have at this point made a dash into the busy crowds at Liverpool Street station.

 

Section 6: Conclusion

 

Thank you for watching, if you recognise anything from this series of events, please contact the Culture secretary ‘Ed Vaizey’ on 0207 246833 ext. 103. Or Ms Sarah Walters on 01708 608 356.

We now have a brief moment for questions.

 

Questions Asked:

 

• I hear that you were once quite close to the victim – could you expand on this relationship

- In fact, I hear that you were involved in the downfall of the young culture in Romford, would you say that this is a fair comment?

 

• Do you believe that culture really has been trafficked from Romford? Could it be that she escaped? Made a run for it?

 

• Do you think the public really care?